since the last entry ... it feels like I'm starting again with no contiuity with what has gone before. Why is it that you can have so many things on your mind before you start, then when you get your time, have nothing ? I suppose most people would take notes - keep meaning to do that...talk myself out of it frequently.........somehow, I have it in my head that this blog is where my notes go..... and if I was as faithful to the task as I am to being a couch potato, then it probably would be a good way to keep notes.
Half term is coming to an end and I'm still a "gentleman of leisure". I am willing to let the Lord be my guide in this area of my life because He is the only one who knows whats right for me to be doing right now. He uses these times to teach us and ready us for things - the only thing is that we , as people, dont always know that we are "in class" or we fail to hear the bells telling us schools out - what price are Godly ears eh...I do have this scarey job on the horizon. It involves loads of responsibility, people management, fundraising and late nights. I feel bad for feeling afraid of this challenge and at the same time, I'm more than aware of the chance that I might need to be so into this job to do it right, that my family will forget what I look like. I 've been so fortunate with the last job I had , being a teaching assistant - it meant that I've been around with the kids alot more than so many fathers these days - maybe deep down, I feel I've got a bit soft because of it. I try to see my situation for what it is rather than what it might be but money worries continue to interfere with my happiness or confidence. "All these years and nothing to show for it" an inscription on my tomstone in one of my nightmares....the family chasing me down the road shouting "waster" or "user" is another episode - not what a person of faith should stew on and yet It's still there . Many times I've heard give it over, "God knows your heart" this is cheap talk to me and doesnt help me with what I have to do - to practice and study and be ready for when the time comes and be reliant on God's grace which can only come from praying more - I dont do enough but it's makes sense in a way that it's the way in - Goid wont talk with me if I dont talk with Him.
Today is Pentecost - new beginings and stuff like like that so when I'm in my bed tonight I'm praying that my driver accepts my apologies for my bad behaviour in the back seat and does nt leave me to find my own way!!
