My Days - the 4th one and others...

Starting again - again

Things have happened, as they always plenty of times I should have could have writeen down the fact of the time(and didnt !!!) If I can face the prospect if the searching of my soul in an honest way, I might be able to extract form the past, and write in the hope of creating a future.  I'm kicking myself right now so please forgive the tone etc...
My victories are always accompanied by further challenges so I pray rifght now that I can rise up with God help to meet them head on.

My daughter has been losing quite a few personal items recently and it's been a source of anxiety - do I get all judgemental, call her names etc? Do I punish her by taking stuff away when she's got nothing left, in order to make her value her stuff more ?

I visited my own mother - It didnt take her very long at all to bring to my attention that I'v lost her very expensive birthday present to me and that every time she sees me wearing th chain my wife gfave me, it a reminder that I dont consider her or her feelings. Couple d to the fact that I have no idea where the watch she bought for me last year is and I'm shamed into an new level of acceptance maybe - but I pray that if there's thing like thins in my life that I can observe them and use them to achieve a Godly , Fatherly ,rational perspective with the hope that my life and my child can have a fair go...

I remember going to the step to chase the cat outside. I'm at the top of the stairs eyeballing the creature, then, out of the side of my eye, I see something that draws my attention. It appaered to be hands and a head in next door's garden - I look over to see which way round they are I couldnt stop looking !!! It just looked all wrong and while I was looking and daydreaming at what seemed to be thye back of someones head, the view changed - I saw piercing eyes looking back at me for just a second before scurrying back in doors - I dont know who was more embarrassed them or me....I just dont know why I get myself in theses places - I had just "sorted myself out" now I've got something even more stupid to feel guilty about.....

I will be thankful for the chance to learn about myself. God please help me - I feel so needy of you when stuff like this happens and yet I feel so afraid of some obscure consequence being put before me and not reckognised. I'm sorry to speak ill and to be ill and pray for emotional health.

I lay low
I clam up
I dont go..
We all say
it will show
how we are
while we grow and
when it's time
and we watch the glow
and check for the heat
that proves that Oh
we are worthy and not below
but overcomers and in the flow..
sometimes I ask...
sometimes I know
I pray and sleep,
before I sin and stray..
It's within my grasp, to be had today.
Yet if you ask it goes away..
the method, the madness looking for what not gone away
Give in to Him seek Him confess to Him, embrace Him
Dont box Him in; dont use Him to fix your lies
He is all you need to be wise - find Him and truth
of the ears and eyes
know in your heart
that He replies.

I was praying weeks ago for something somehow, to help me get to the next level of devotion and obedience; to find the strength to be a loyal disciple.. I also was asking about ways of getting over my feelings for the cat in our house....it makes me so irrational that it's embarrassing...So what does God do? he takes something that hurts ie, my feelings for the cat and soemthing I've ask for ie, a way to be able to get more personal with him. He puts these two things together in a single act - he makes the cat able to open our front room door after me knowing 100% he cant, so I'm forced to investigate ( we are highly para about the cat at the moment - he's spraying mand peeing everywhere.....) so I'm up at the perfect itme to talk and read by myself early in the mornig before I've got involved in the world......at least that how it was for a couple of days this week. Once I realised what was going on, I chickened out\ got extra tired\found it too hard to get out of my bed - any of the previous are equally true - I just wished I could 've stayed on that ruighteous crest of a wave..

Found an old Compaq system on the street this week -which I hope to sell on for a few quid - I've just going to search for a DVD drive for it but if not, then I'll let it go - anyways, the real point of it being mentioned was that on the hard drive, I found some things that I know that I shouldnt be seeing ( the machine belonged to a "lad" I suspect ) and I snuck one or two peeks in which I feel will have consequences , either soon or very soon.....so I must be ready for them......

On a more positive note, I have done some bike repairs with a boy who lives next door to us....He's been leaning out of his window for a couple of weeks - looking for an opening gambit - I think he may be like our daughter with special educational circustances.... His name is Gerard - the name of my best man at my wedding....and someone who I made a tenuous contact with at the beginning of this year - a lead which has since gone cold - but as one Gerard goes another on comes. It is reinforcing this idea that I can actually do this thing that Bella want's doing ( a parent of a child my Son attends - she's also a committee member for a Youth organisation ).

I was hailed on the way home today by an "old boy" from school - his name slipped through the holes in my short term memory - he was with an "old girl" as well.,....it was really nice in w a way to see a relationship that must've started over tweny years ago was still going on strong - Another "old boy hailed me last week and I've seen him again this week - a good bloke - he's driving a bus for diabled children - I hope that we get a chance to speak soon.....

She has had an up and down week - like myself - we had a distant couple of days - I took her to the dentist on wendesday, which turned out to be a coplete bum steer - He said that my wife, and a lot off other women worry far too much and that the movement in my daughters teeh was completely within acceptable margins -which my wife wasnt happy to hear about at all, but I 'll go into that tomorrow maybe coz I'm a bit tired...

I received a couple of prayer requests recently - lI hope and pray someone will stop by and offer some prayers to some people who need them

Kelly Foster - her Son's best friend who has Hodgkin's Lymphoma and for Gary and Cindy Hogan
Gary is serving in Iraq while his young wife is fighting cancer. God knows the begining and the end we must pray for his mercy and grace to sustain us while we traverse the divide...

Yesterday, we were celebrating Pentecost the evening service at Church was a celebration with food and joyful fellowship - which was going to start earlier because the kids were going back early....I had mentioned this to this quite late in the day, but I'm pretty certain that it came up in discussion this week with other people we know. Anyway I could nt bring myself to insist that we went - ingnoring the voice that told me to speak about it in the first place. My daughter got her hair washed, I did a couple of loads of washing........My son gets up late in the night wanting to get into our bed ( something that is increasing in regularity ) and I follow him back to his room looking a bit gloomy. We get up late for school and are rushing all the way - only to find the playground deserted. I know this is yet another chance for "something" to happen and more learning for me and I pray that when I do learn, I'm able to share - but right now I feel foolish. If I wasnt so proud a person, I'd probably asked why there wasn't a letter in the bags for the last day of term, now, I'm having to ask people who look right through me ( or at least that 's how it feels. This being unemployed thing is really making it hard to feel like someone ) when I see them - I shouldn't mind though - because when I think about it I want God to go before me anyway so maybe THIS is what my teaching is for this set of circumstances.
It could have something or absolely nothing to do with the fact that the new bak cards, which I put away for safe keeping, are nowhere to be seen. I was rushing around trying to find stuff for other people this morning while trying to locate these cards. Maybe I'm being kept from thjem because I've no money in either account!!!! I@ve had Ebay reminders to update details but what if I just leave it? I've paid far more in admin costs than I've earned from sales.....
I have stuff to sell that belongs to my mother-in-law, who's a nice lady and loads of stuff that I'd be happy to take to the charity shops if I didnt fear the tonguelashing I'd get...so lets do lots of "lots" , take out child for biking, try to contact my mum, get some post sorted, shops, bank to shunt some pennies around and see the extent of the damage, practice on the guitar, get some computer housekeeping done,tidy up the real house look at some of the innuerable DIY jobs outstanding,read something from my Bible (which I should've done first !! ). I could find things to do that could fill my day 10 times over and still not have enough time to choose wisely is a lesson for every day surely.

since the last entry ... it feels like I'm starting again with no contiuity with what has gone before. Why is it that you can have so many things on your mind before you start, then when you get your time, have nothing ? I suppose most people would take notes - keep meaning to do that...talk myself out of it frequently.........somehow, I have it in my head that this blog is where my notes go..... and if I was as faithful to the task as I am to being a couch potato, then it probably would be a good way to keep notes.

Half term is coming to an end and I'm still a "gentleman of leisure". I am willing to let the Lord be my guide in this area of my life because He is the only one who knows whats right for me to be doing right now. He uses these times to teach us and ready us for things - the only thing is that we , as people, dont always know that we are "in class" or we fail to hear the bells telling us schools out - what price are Godly ears eh...I do have this scarey job on the horizon. It involves loads of responsibility, people management, fundraising and late nights. I feel bad for feeling afraid of this challenge and at the same time, I'm more than aware of the chance that I might need to be so into this job to do it right, that my family will forget what I look like. I 've been so fortunate with the last job I had , being a teaching assistant - it meant that I've been around with the kids alot more than so many fathers these days - maybe deep down, I feel I've got a bit soft because of it. I try to see my situation for what it is rather than what it might be but money worries continue to interfere with my happiness or confidence. "All these years and nothing to show for it" an inscription on my tomstone in one of my nightmares....the family chasing me down the road shouting "waster" or "user" is another episode - not what a person of faith should stew on and yet It's still there . Many times I've heard give it over, "God knows your heart" this is cheap talk to me and doesnt help me with what I have to do - to practice and study and be ready for when the time comes and be reliant on God's grace which can only come from praying more - I dont do enough but it's makes sense in a way that it's the way in - Goid wont talk with me if I dont talk with Him.

Today is Pentecost - new beginings and stuff like like that so when I'm in my bed tonight I'm praying that my driver accepts my apologies for my bad behaviour in the back seat and does nt leave me to find my own way!!

It's on the radio and in my devotional today - about the importance of understanding - whether its the meaning of instruction or the presence of God in your life, His word or the purpose he has for you - and the pressing in to achieve these things.

It was the firsty time I'd been asked to lead ...I was expecting to just keep someone company in our service.........I wasn't ready or prepared - just had my guitar - and was fearful for all the wrong reasons - just started to strum a few really muffled chords when my Pastor appears from stage left - jumps out and starts to strike up the tunes on the piano.....

After the music, I said to myself " thank you for digging me out of that hole !!!" - Little did I realise that my Pastor had just come from a funeral !!

This is Dunns River Falls in Jamaica - March 03 - why I'm showing this.....

Today has been a bit of a trial - well at least soem of the main events for me. I'm not sure whether it was today or during my rebuilding of my computer, but somewhere along the line, I seem to have deleted some of my song files that I've been working on over the last couple of years - infact my entiure working directory has gone somewhere - as a former IT expert, I 'm taking this rather personally - I'm not supposed to fall at this fence - this kind of stuff is my bread and butter so what's going on eh? There was at leat two or threee signs that the drive was going to fail and for some reason, I've decided to copy my stuff from a known safe place to this dodgy drive and the rest is pretty predictable...The whole sorry situation was topped off by me losing all the wife's stuff as well - photos, documents artwork the lot...
After some hair pulling and some "why me" moments, a desire for calmness was met by the reality of the LOrd knowing all things and having a purpose even for this - admittedly a difficult thing to get to grips with but I managed - I hadn't rebooted at this point and it was all that was left to do - once I'd done this there was no going back ( some people have the cash to go to data recovery services - I dont !! )so the machine stasrts itself up again then it starts to check errors on this shonky drive - I nearly shut it down because it was taking so long but in the end ( about an hour later )th "my documents" folder popped up on this drive - alas no music but all wifeys stuff at least. When she got home, I told her about the machine etc - she said she had been given a word for me that I should be doing more writing and maybe this loss of my music was to allow me to produce more written work !! One way of looking at it I suppose - I am thankful that God didn't leave me in the land of High Anxiety - I'm so grateful to my wife for passing that message on - even if my heart and mind hadn't engaged with the value of this alternate perpective....still got lots of backing up to do and shunting of data - the sidetracks are coming thick and fast - I'm trying harder to tell,write etc...
Amen and Amen